Coping with infidelity

Coping with infidelity

Most committed relationships, whether marital or non-marital, are formed with the implicit understanding and expectations of both partners that the union will be based on mutual trust and exclusivity. This trust is typically characterized by sexual exclusivity and a shared bond of emotional intimacy reserved only unto the couple.

When one partner commits infidelity by cheating on the other, this delicate trust is breached and may never be regained. The emotional fallout which ensues is devastating not only to the partner who has been cheated on, but to other family members, and friends as well. But, just as commonly, the fallout can also be devastating to the one who's done the cheating. Whether the relationship ultimately ends as a result of the infidelity, or manages to endure, it is a sure bet that the lives of both partners - the victim and the partner who has cheated - will be forever changed by this experience.

The three types of affairs
Affairs generally fall into one of the three following categories: Coffin Nail Affairs, Warning Shot Affairs or Compulsive Affairs. If you are the victim of an infidelity, or are currently engaged in an affair or your partner has recently discovered that you have been cheating, you should try to understand exactly which of these categories the affair falls into.

Coffin nail affairs

An affair of this type is one in which the cheating partner has decided that he or she wants to end their primary relationship. Rather than confront the issues associated with a breakup directly, however, the cheating partner instead chooses an affair as a means of effecting the breakup. In effect, the affair is the last nail in the relationship's coffin. Affairs of this type can either be of short or long duration.

Warning shot affairs

An affair of this type is one in which the cheating partner does not really desire or intend to end his or her primary relationship, but instead, is wanting to get the attention of his or her partner. Though the logic of this is convoluted, the purpose is to let the partner know that there is some deficiency in the relationship which, from the cheater's perspective, threatens its continued viability, if it is not corrected. In effect, this type of affair is akin to firing a salvo alongside the relationship's bow - a warning shot, if you will. Generally, warning shot affairs are one-time occurrences of short duration.

Compulsive affairs

Affairs of this type are ones in which the cheating partner is compelled to have the affair. This compulsion has less to do with the state of the cheating partner's primary relationship, than it does with the character of the cheating partner. People who engage in compulsive affairs are generally philanderers who suffer from commitment phobia, validation obsession, sexual addiction or character disorders such as antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic or borderline personality. Generally, partners who fit this profile engage in repeated affairs, and/or multiple concurrent affairs, including one night stands and affairs of longer duration.

What sustains affairs?

Affairs are frequently facilitated and sustained by a psychological phenomenon known as compartmentalization. Compartmentalisation consists of disconnecting conscious awareness from feeling. Thus, in the case of a cheating partner, the partner manages to separate (or place into a compartment, if you will) the conscious awareness of the affair, and the repercussions associated with it, from feelings of guilt and shame, which are banished to a separate compartment. This bifurcation process is aided and abetted by the excitement that the affair creates, based on its secrecy and forbidden qualities. In the case of "normal," feeling individuals, however, there is frequently a bleeding-through of the compartments. This leads to bouts of guilt, shame, anxiety or depression. This bleed-through is frequently shored-up, however, through a continued loss of interest in the primary relationship, contrasting with the stimulation and vibrancy of the affair.

In the case of those individuals who are perennial philanderers, there is a general lack of integration in the structure of their personalities to begin with. Hence, compartmentalization does not require much effort, it is simply a part of who they are. This means that their capacity to feel guilt and shame over their philandering is remote at best. For this reason these individuals are highly unlikely to change their ways.

Are you a victim?

If you have recently discovered that your partner is or has recently cheated on you, chances are you are in a state of shock and experiencing profound emotional pain. At its very core, infidelity is one of the most selfish, cruel, and loveless acts of betrayal that one partner can perpetrate on the other.

Its effects are so profound that you are likely to experience a broad range of emotions including rage, jealousy, fear, uncertainty, panic and shame. You may also be experiencing involuntary physical reactions such as vomiting, diarrhoea, panic attacks, sleeplessness, nightmares, and an inability to eat.

You may even have lashed out physically at your partner, screamed, thrown objects or even considered suicide or homicide.

Lastly, since your self-esteem has been assaulted, you may be feeling inadequate, unattractive or discarded. Whatever the mix of emotions you are experiencing, just know that they are normal in every respect, because after all, this infidelity has shattered the very heart of your relationship - the purity and trust on which it depended and thrived.

So you, as the victim of this awful act of betrayal, are perfectly justified in your experience of these very compelling emotional and physical reactions. Be assured that over time, and with the support of family and friends, and perhaps professional counseling, the pain will ease and you will heal. Whether your relationship will survive and heal is another matter, however.
Are you a cheat?

If you are currently engaged in an affair, unbeknownst to your partner, or have recently been caught cheating, you are very likely experiencing two of the most compelling of all human emotions: Guilt and shame. You may be feeling this guilt and shame regardless of whether you intend to end your current relationship or hope to revive it.

The reason you may be feeling guilt and shame is because you know on a very core level that your actions have betrayed the very foundation on which your relationship depends: Trust.
Furthermore, if your infidelity has been discovered by your partner, or you fear that it might soon be, then you may be beginning to understand the repercussions of your actions, and their devastating effect on your partner, your family and friends and most particularly your children, if you have them.

The realisation that you have caused so much hurt can feel like an insufferable burden, and can result in unexpected anxiety or depression. The good news is that if you are experiencing guilt and shame, then it's a good indication that you are a normal, feeling person. One who has simply acted in conflict with his or her fundamental values. In order to recover from this fully, you will need to forgive yourself for your actions. But, you can expect this to be a long and painful process. This is perhaps best accomplished with the help of a trained mental health professional.
Can the relationship be saved?

If you are involved in a relationship wherein your partner is cheating, or has recently cheated on you, you need to determine the type of affair he or she is or was engaged in. If the affair is a Coffin Nail Affair, then the choice to save your relationship is not even yours to make. Because by its very definition, your partner is or was engaged in this affair as a means of effecting the breakup of your relationship. Thus, it is best to say goodbye and get on with the business of healing your wounded heart.

If your partner is or was engaged in a Compulsive Affair, then your relationship is not worth saving. You need to end it immediately, despite the fact that your partner may not wish to do so. The thing to remember about a compulsive philanderer is that they can't help but cheat, since it is part of who they are.

Furthermore, the remorse, if any, your partner feels over your discovery of his or her affair, has more to do with being found out, and the fear of losing his or her primary source of security, i.e. you, than it does with concern for your damaged heart. Therefore, as with a Coffin Nail Affair, you need to break away from this person, and move forward with your life immediately. To do otherwise, will relegate you to a life of repeated betrayals, distrust and shattered self-esteem.
By contrast, if you can definitely rule out that the affair your partner is or was engaged in is neither a Coffin Nail Affair nor a Compulsive Affair, and instead confirm that it is or was a Warning Shot Affair, then your relationship could potentially be salvaged and revitalised.
In fact, it is quite common that affairs of this type can force both partners to confront their relationship issues head on, resulting in a renewed commitment and a stronger bond. But, be aware that this can be a slow, painful process in which reaching a place of forgiveness and renewed trust is critical to a successful outcome.

© 2009, Relationship911.com
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